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Thursday, March 31, 2011


Today I noticed a butterfly.

This was the first butterfly I have seen this season. 
This little butterfly stopped me in my hurried tracks. I was running late to class in which we were having an exam, an exam I barely studied for. With this current week, school seems to be piling up, thing after thing, higher and higher. Stuff that is happening in less than 5 days seems unreachable. 

I've been here before, these are familiar roads. You would think by now I could drive it blind, that I would know the scenery and what to expect. 
I put myself in this place, on this road. I do it time and time again, I've conditioned myself to. My mind knows that in the past, many times over, I have been in this position and I have gotten out quite nicely despite ALL the crazy worry and frustration with it. SO my mind knows that procrastination IS an option. Thanks to that conditioning, I procrastinate and don't get the motivation until that last minute. It's as if my mind strives off of that last-minute thrill/drama/pressure..that red line, that due date. It's at the point where I perform better when I wait it off, adding to the conditioning.

Change is a big word, it's like a door with nothing behind it..a stage door. Sure it can add to some great entertainment, but in the end you know there is nothing there, not in less you add a little imagination..or a lot. Then the door could open up to just about anything you (and the director, producer, graphic artists) can think of. You never know if it's real or not.
I am going to use a different word....Discover. Yup, that's what I'll go with. I'm going to dig deeper and discover a way to make things work out of routine, out of what I was conditioned to fall into. 
This digging and discovering will involve finding a way to get that same itch for procrastination, but at the same time getting my school work done a little earlier. 
To do this I will need a few things: source for earlier motivation, something to replace that late-doing with....

I am proud to say I have not bitten my nails in almost 6 months. In order to do that I had to switch that nasty old habit with something else. It needed a replacement. BUT not 100% replaced..It also involved a HEAVY amount of cognitive thinking..of switching it from an auto habit, to something I'm doing consciously..that was step 1. After that, that takes a looong time. I was able to use the power of just my self-awareness to realize what I was doing and then choose (key word) to do less of it. That took strength. Then the next step I needed to find just a little something to help give my brain a little break. For this, I used nail polish because I don't like the color of choice ending up in my teeth. A combination in the right order of all of it gave me my beautiful nails I have tapping on this keyboard now. 
I don't know now, but I will figure it out by Wednesday.
  •  I will consciously think about all the things I put off until they're due
  •  I will start choosing to do them earlier
  •  then I will find something to suffice my adrenaline rush for that last minute. 

What does any of this have to do with me being late because of my awkward standing and staring at a butterfly this morning?? Everything.

To me that butterfly symbolized having a worry-free attitude for the day. I'm the type of person that can really pull that off, even if things are crazy. SO it was just as easy as noticing that butterfly to put me in the right mindset to be worry-free and have an awesome day. Accomplish everything I set out for and have a smile on while doing it.

That butterfly fluttered around my yard, bopping up and down and circling around with no care in the world and it came naturally. That is what I'm after. A natural worry-free attitude. I don't want to have to see a careless butterfly to remind me to be worry-free. I want to take a little excess frustration out and transform it into a natural worry-free attitude. 
Don't get me wrong, I am worry-free quite often. BUT throughout my days there are 'butterflies' (if you will) reminding me of that mindset..I want to skip that step, I want it to just come.... naturally.