This was the first butterfly I have seen this season.
This little butterfly stopped me in my hurried tracks. I was running late to class in which we were having an exam, an exam I barely studied for. With this current week, school seems to be piling up, thing after thing, higher and higher. Stuff that is happening in less than 5 days seems unreachable.
I've been here before, these are familiar roads. You would think by now I could drive it blind, that I would know the scenery and what to expect.
I put myself in this place, on this road. I do it time and time again, I've conditioned myself to. My mind knows that in the past, many times over, I have been in this position and I have gotten out quite nicely despite ALL the crazy worry and frustration with it. SO my mind knows that procrastination IS an option. Thanks to that conditioning, I procrastinate and don't get the motivation until that last minute. It's as if my mind strives off of that last-minute thrill/drama/pressure..that red line, that due date. It's at the point where I perform better when I wait it off, adding to the conditioning.
Change is a big word, it's like a door with nothing behind it..a stage door. Sure it can add to some great entertainment, but in the end you know there is nothing there, not in less you add a little imagination..or a lot. Then the door could open up to just about anything you (and the director, producer, graphic artists) can think of. You never know if it's real or not.
I am going to use a different word....Discover. Yup, that's what I'll go with. I'm going to dig deeper and discover a way to make things work out of routine, out of what I was conditioned to fall into.
This digging and discovering will involve finding a way to get that same itch for procrastination, but at the same time getting my school work done a little earlier.
To do this I will need a few things: source for earlier motivation, something to replace that late-doing with....
I am proud to say I have not bitten my nails in almost 6 months. In order to do that I had to switch that nasty old habit with something else. It needed a replacement. BUT not 100% replaced..It also involved a HEAVY amount of cognitive thinking..of switching it from an auto habit, to something I'm doing consciously..that was step 1. After that, that takes a looong time. I was able to use the power of just my self-awareness to realize what I was doing and then choose (key word) to do less of it. That took strength. Then the next step I needed to find just a little something to help give my brain a little break. For this, I used nail polish because I don't like the color of choice ending up in my teeth. A combination in the right order of all of it gave me my beautiful nails I have tapping on this keyboard now.
I don't know now, but I will figure it out by Wednesday.
I will consciously think about all the things I put off until they're due
I will start choosing to do them earlier
then I will find something to suffice my adrenaline rush for that last minute.
What does any of this have to do with me being late because of my awkward standing and staring at a butterfly this morning?? Everything.
To me that butterfly symbolized having a worry-free attitude for the day. I'm the type of person that can really pull that off, even if things are crazy. SO it was just as easy as noticing that butterfly to put me in the right mindset to be worry-free and have an awesome day. Accomplish everything I set out for and have a smile on while doing it.
That butterfly fluttered around my yard, bopping up and down and circling around with no care in the world and it came naturally. That is what I'm after. A natural worry-free attitude. I don't want to have to see a careless butterfly to remind me to be worry-free. I want to take a little excess frustration out and transform it into a natural worry-free attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I am worry-free quite often. BUT throughout my days there are 'butterflies' (if you will) reminding me of that mindset..I want to skip that step, I want it to just come.... naturally.
I don't know why I haven't heard of this before. My boyfriend came across this and thought because of my psychology interest that I should look it up. If you haven't heard of this story, it definitely is one to give attention to.
To brief it for you, a girl was neglected for several years. During this neglect the girl was not taught anything, just severely neglected. So at seven years old she was like an infant, couldn't talk, wasn't potty trained and barely knew how to use her hands among so much more. I can't seem to find the words to describe how this story makes me feel. You'll have to read/listen to it to understand the feelings for yourself.
Here are some links: article
GEEZ....the wind outside is intense!! A lot like the thoughts traveling through my mind the past while..mainly the past week.
Majority of it all is school related. Then on top of it are the little things that always pick at people when they are distracted. School. It's fun and challenging. Unfortunately, the challenge part isn't from the actual subjects you're being taught. It is from issues concerning time, schedule, availability and planning....each thing adds up and effects your future in school. Right now I'm feeling the frustration of it piling up. Whatever happens, will be fine and I'll make the best out of it. It can go two ways, with ups and downs on both sides. One way has me starting out low and gradually getting higher, which is the preferred path in my eyes, but it leaves me hanging on my graduation date..just waiting and holding off until I finish the slow route. The second path has me starting a little higher and getting through it just to go on with my other classes. This path gets me where I want to be in the long run, in a faster time..but I will probably learn little and retain nothing. Ehhh.....I have come to the conclusion, I will be happy either way. I will focus on the "ups" of where I land and I will fly with it. => The little things. Let's just say insurance and their fine details can be one big pain in the butt.
Other things going on that I would like to mention....I will be taking Summer classes, so yea there goes my Summer.....again! haha
Somehow I still plan on going on a mini, like very mini vacation back up to Tahoe with a friend. We won't have much time, but we'll make it awesome =>
My exercise and training adventure is still going strong. Actually, better than ever....I am trying to work through some kinks I had in running, some weird cramps that have been causing issues, but they seem to be dwindling away. So, I'm able to run past that wall. Also, my cross-training is doing wonders on my running efforts. Overall I am very pleased with my new active lifestyle haha =>
Whew..well It is officially like 630am on a Monday morning. Monday the day back to school after that wonderful and much needed Spring break. Unfortunately I spent a big portion of it concerned and studying for school. BUT I did get some awesome time with an awesome friend. => I also was able to help her out with her plans for the future in relation to school. Yay => I love it when I can be of any assistance to people.
Now, that the first half of the semester is over, I am doomed. The second semester will be much more difficult. Well..I'm not so worried about tests, I've been doing just fine in that area, I am much more concerned with projects that are now coming to their due dates. Ugh. Well I need to sit down and figure how long I have to make some awesome professional papers on observational cues and a bingo game in relation to that to use to teach mothers..then my power point on schizoid personality disorder..which is a pretty boring disorder with very little research....oh and a food demonstration..all of which is pretty much due the same week...haha => HERE GOES!!
On a much brighter note..here are baby red pandas frolicking in the snow: